Archive for » January, 2010 «

Going Better

So we are about 2 weeks into classes now and life is much better.  Since I finally got myself out of the house and into my classes, I’ve hardly missed a class…which is really good for me.  Sometimes I am rather sporadic about attending.  However, so far, I’m doing good.

I’ve added a new link on the site, its to my brand new Youtube channel!  I’m posting video blogs (so far daily) on there that deal with stuff that is more mundane than I tend to post here.  That isn’t the right wording.  It isn’t mundane.  It just wouldn’t translate well into a written out blog.  For example, I can’t show you Rex’s brand new water and food bowls that lock in place so that he can’t spill them everywhere.  That was getting annoying.  And I can’t show you my fish swimming in the aquarium.  And I can’t demonstrate some of the tricks that my dogs know.  I also intend to eventually post some dog training videos…right, I’m gonna compete with all the other Youtubing dog trainers.  I’ll make my own little attempt to show off what I know I suppose.  So, if you want to see that sort of stuff, check out the channel and hopefully you’ll also subscribe to it?  But don’t worry, I won’t be posting here less frequently.  It is a lot easier to type than video blog…and less time consuming.  more…

Back to School

Officially, college classes started on Monday…I didn’t make it to class until Wednesday due to severe anxiety, sleep deprivation, and panic.  I am painfully aware that I have regressed to some degree but more so in anxiety than schizophrenia…in my opinion.  This semester, I am taking Advanced Horseback Riding (a passion of mine since I was a child, and although its been two years since I last rode…at that time I was actually training horses to do poles…like, ones that had never done them before.  I am really quite talented at poles…or I was.  I supposed the issue of if I still am will be addressed this semester.  I am also taking Intro to Sociology online, Advanced Creative Writing (second to last class for my English/Creative Writing minor),  Intro to Psych. Testing, and Bowling (which doesn’t start until March).

Unfortunately, when I finally managed to overcome my anxiety regarding class on Wednesday…I was not able to take Sheriff with me.  Mondays and Wednesdays, my only class is Horseback Riding.  Obviously, I don’t know what these horses have been socialized to in regards to dogs, Sheriff has never met a horse, and I certainly cannot ride a horse and handle Sheriff at the same time.  My therapist had encouraged me to find something to focus on that would help me redirect my attention from the anxiety.  So I taught myself a trick.  Probably not a very healthy trick…but it worked nonetheless.  I withdrew into myself so that the only thing that mattered was what the teacher said and exampled regarding pre-riding horse maintenance (really a review)…and mildly kept a bit of attention to Adam…because he was serving as my service human by making sure that I could stay near him and that I stayed safe in a state that didn’t allow me much awareness to my surroundings.  I knew what the horse was doing that the professor was working with, I knew what the professor was saying and doing…but I was completely oblivious to the other students.  I did my absolute best to avoid any eye contact with anyone excluding Adam…and I paid no attention to the environment around me.  I hardly spoke and if I did…it was whispered to Adam so that he could answer my question or repeat it to the professor.  Since I have been diagnosed, this is the one teacher that does not know that I am schizophrenic.  I am worried that if he found out…he would question my ability or safety around the horses.  For me, this is not a concern.  I have been around horses since I was four years old.  I know how to read basic body language, I know how to ride, I have some knowledge in training, and I know how to be safe around a horse.  Besides, when it comes to my love of animals…working with a well trained horse is second only to working with a dog that is not necessarily well trained.  So…I made it through that class.  Today was a bit more interesting…because it would involve two classes…and Sheriff’s full return to a full day’s work since last semester. more…

Stranger In the Mirror

So little may some of you know…but I used to write quite a bit of poetry.  For quite some time my mind hasn’t worked correctly enough to be poetic…but I thought I’d give it a shot.  Here is a rather pathetic attempt at poetry.

My mind left town after it kicked me to the curb
Left behind were paradigms and gently turning curves
In the mirror I could see a stranger yet to meet me
We shook hands and then he said

“Hocus Pocus I’ve got you
Watch everything as it turns to blue
Now people live inside your head
To get them out you must take meds”

A broken mirror on the floor
Its reflection was rather poor
I took a walk to get some air
But suddenly felt very bare

My hands they floated far away
Yet my feet were here to stay
Bugs were crawling on my skin
I began to feel like a living sin

Tulips and daisies grew very tall
People were running out of the mall
Whisper whisper in the air
Voices that simply do not care

On a journey I must go
Where my mind went I must know
Perhaps when I return again
You’d be willing to be my friend

Category: Poetry  2 Comments

Stigma

So I said I would make a holiday post…but the majority of my time was spent with friends and family.  I see no need to list everything I got or gave others.  I mean, the holidays were great for me…not out of the ordinary happened.  They were extremely busy.  New Years was spent watching Armageddon and nearly missing midnight.  So…nothing significant to write about.  I have a more important topic I feel I should address.

I was recently talking with some people about the stigma involved with schizophrenia.  One person blamed people for being ignorant and not understanding of schizophrenics.  That person was quite upset with the general public for thinking so poorly of schizophrenics.  This person was also a bit harsh.

Here was my response. more…