I hope everyone that reads this had a great Christmas. Or if you celebrate one of the other holidays occurring right now, I hope that is going great as well.
My Christmas was pretty good. I got nearly everything I asked for. I now officially own my own Xbox 360 instead of having a borrowed one. I am also now a member of the Barnes and Noble club which really excites me because now I can start getting savings on all the books I buy…which is a lot of books. I’m not sure, out of those two gifts, which one I am more excited about.
There was a bit of a negative today. And one that I couldn’t have even created as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Without asking me, my parents and brother left to go see a movie. I had no idea they were leaving and in fact, went over to the house to spend more time with them and that was when I discovered that they had all left. I tried to call each of them but no one was answering. Finally, I left a message on my mom’s phone stating that I didn’t know where they were and I was really worried since no one was answering their phones. After the movie, my mom called and told me that they had gone to the movies. I asked her why no one asked me if I wanted to go and she told me they just figured I wouldn’t want to go. I could barely prevent the tears from flowing until the conversation ended. I felt terrible. For some reason, my parents thought it was no big deal to go to the movies as a family and not include me. I wondered if my illness made them worried about being in public with me…embarrassed of me. I felt like an outcast. more…
The semester is over. Thank God. This winter break comes at a much needed time. A time in which I can continue to recover from the bouts of psychosis I had in October/November.
I made it through the semester with an A and three B’s. I haven’t had grades that good for a full length semester since before I was ill. And even then…that was an achievement. I usually have at least one class that keeps me at a C or D. So to get these grades during a semester in which I was hospitalized twice and couldn’t always get to class due to anxiety or delusional thinking…I am absolutely thrilled.
Now I say that winter break is a good thing. But it can be a trap as well and I have to be aware of that. Forget about Seasonal Affective Disorder, I can go right back into psychosis or a bout of depression if I don’t make sure I stay active during break. I can’t just sit around and watch tv all day or play with Sheriff. I have to make myself participate in structured activities. Things that are tangible and productive. That includes this website, the support forms I frequent (and one I moderate), reading books, working on art work, and continuing my soap making hobby. Luckily, I got an order in a couple days ago of a gift basket and then some personal bars of soap. I’m also making soap for all my family members and friends who get gifts this year. more…
Is a familiar alien world
Where invisible beings whisper secrets and lies
Tiny generals lead wars in the cavities of bones
Is a loss of being
Not remembering how to interact
Social pleasures and an affect we lack
Because there is no reasoning with an insane brain
Because it changes lives so they can never be the same
Is in the head
It can’t be found nor destroyed
It is an invisible void not to be tampered with
Is thought to be evil
It is the illness of serial killers, murderers
It is the plague of the homeless
Trying to make it in a crazy world
Trying to hide my insanity from you
Lots of people want to know what I am going to do once I graduate in May. I don’t have an answer and I don’t want to have an answer. May is 6 months away. May is in an entirely different year (an odd numbered year even!) Graduating in May means that I’ll have gotten through another entire semester successfully. It means that I’ll stay sane enough to avoid being hospitalized so many times that I need to drop classes. That’s just the long term aspects of things to be considered about getting to graduation day.
Let’s try the short term aspects. Getting to May means I won’t kill myself tonight or tomorrow or any time before May. It means that I will pass all the classes I took this semester. It means that I won’t listen to The Pressure and run off to LA to be a homeless person. (Explanation: The Pressure is a voice in my head that pressures me to do things I don’t want to do. So far I am successfully ignoring it.) It means that I will make it through tomorrow and every day afterwords as a mostly functioning individual. It means that all my worries about dying in horrible ways and similar tragedies will not come true…I won’t be involved in a lethal car accident, I won’t be kidnapped, a plane won’t land on me, I won’t be murdered, etc.
So I don’t have an answer to what I’m going to do once I graduate. I don’t want to have an answer. I have too much to worry about before that happens. Just considering it now scares me and makes me anxious. That doesn’t mean that I need to spend more time talking about it or thinking about it…I don’t need to be desensitized to the idea of graduating. It means, very simply, that I know my limits. more…