I am currently in San Antonio, Texas visiting my birth mom, brother, sister, my birth mom’s SO (Scott), and his son and daughter. I arrived on Sunday afternoon after driving a two-part trip that totaled 12 hours. On that trip I stayed in a hotel on my own for the first time ever. That trip was also the farthest I have ever driven on my own. Normally I am pretty anxious about driving on freeways, especially large ones, because I hold onto the delusion that a gust of wind of gravity will decide to suddenly sling my car off the road, that bridges will collapse, or that 18-wheel trucks will crash into me. However, this trip turned out to be not so bad and my delusions were minimal.
When I arrived on Sunday, I was so happy to see my mom!! It had been since mid-June that I saw her. I still can’t believe that I am really a part of her and my siblings’ lives or that I am here with them just being a part of the family. However, as reality set in that I wouldn’t be returning home for 10 days and that everything I am familiar with was gone as well…my anxiety began to quickly rise. I guess I started to have some short bouts of dissociation as my mom repeatedly had to get my attention because I had completely blocked out everything going on around me. I was overloaded with sensory input and emotion so it took me a while to come back into reality. After a couple hours, I began to relax a bit more.
Before dinner, my mom took Sheriff and I to a nearby dog park (McAllister) that I had researched online. The online reviews of the park were really positive and it included some agility equipment…so I decided I wanted to go check it out and see if it seemed safe enough for Sheriff. When we arrived, I was happy to see that only 20-30 dogs were at the park and none of them seemed aggressive or out of control. We watched as two other dogs entered the park, observing the reactions of the other dogs to the new ones. Greetings were very polite and owners all were attentive in observing their own dogs. Sheriff, my mom, and I entered next and again, the dogs that did approach were very polite. The dogs that night ranged from an English Mastiff to a puppy dachshund. Sheriff took some time to sniff around before I instructed him to run the agility equipment with me. He did very well even on the high jump that I think as higher than I’ve ever asked him to jump before (probably closer to what he would jump in an official competition). After that, we walked around a path that ran the inner perimeter of the park. Sheriff stopped to sniff everything and a black lab followed him around sniffing as well. With every dog that approached, I closely watched all the body language and was ready to intervene, but I never had to. All the dogs were very friendly to other dogs and to people. more…
I wanted to share this as it is simply an example of how the stigma against schizophrenia is portrayed through the media. In the Summer 2000 issue (Vol. 10, No. 3) of City Journal, there is an article, Sanity on Mental Illness by E. Fuller Torrey, that describes the potential for violence among the seriously mentally ill. Specifically, the potential for violence among the unmedicated, seriously mentally ill. The article claims that “seriously mentally ill individuals who take their medicine are not more dangerous than the general population; those who don’t take it are much more dangerous.” Such an article disgusts me because it only fuels the fear and hatred towards people with a mental illness such as schizophrenia. It also promotes medications (anti-psychotics) that are currently under investigation by the United States of America because these medications are consistently proving that they shorten the lifespan of those who take them and can cause further medical complications such as diabetes, heart conditions, brain damage, and hormone problems (“The Myth of the Chemical Cure,” Joanna Moncrieff, 2009). Finally, the article states that laws that require the mentally ill to comply with treatment (such as New York’s Kendra’s Law which can require compliance for up to a year before being reviewed) are a rational approach to irrational people.
There is no mention in this article of people who are diagnosed with a severe mental illness and present no danger to the general population. However, the author of the article, Dr. E. Fuller Torrey, has stated that some schizophrenics only require medication for one to two years. In fact, he also states that “within a few months following recovery, medication should be slowly decreased and then discontinued” (Surviving Schizophrenia, 2006). Because schizophrenia has no cure, these people still have schizophrenia but they are not on medication because they do not need it. But the contradiction lies in this article when Dr. Torrey states that people with severe mental illness are much more dangerous when unmedicated. Since no distinction is made, should it be assumed that even when a schizophrenic does not need the medication they are still a danger to others? Dr. Torrey has also stated several times that people with schizophrenia are much more likely to harm themselves than to harm another person; however that statistic is ignored when warning the general population of the dangers involved with such people (Surviving Schizophrenia, 2006). It seems that so many contradictions in what Dr. Torrey is claiming are also irrational. But because I don’t have any preconceived judgments against irrational people, I will not claim that Dr. Torrey should be forced to take medications. more…
Not sure if I’ve mentioned it in a post before but, I am adopted. I was adopted when I was three days old because my birth parents did not feel that they had the support they needed to raise a child since they were young. I’ve known that I was adopted since I was in 2nd grade. Since then, I had a little contact with my birth dad through letters. Since high school I’ve had contact with my birth mom.
A few days ago, my birth mom and siblings came to visit me as they were on their way to moving to a neighboring state. I had done some research about reunions such as this and all of them warned of the potential dangers or conflicts that could arise. Fortunately for me, the experience was amazing and joyous. They stayed for just over two days and I can’t wait to see them again.
I was never aware of the sense of belonging that accompanies being surrounded by family members you are actually related to. I had always assumed that the way I felt with my adoptive parents was the way everyone felt with their own parents. I did not realize that spending time with your true mother was like spending time around a reflection of yourself. We aren’t completely alike but the similarities are numerous enough that she calls me “Mini-Me.” My brother and sister were also quite similar to me. The time we spent together felt more natural than any other time I have spent with another person. The sense of acceptance and belonging was so strong that it did not need to be spoken. I struggle to find the words to express just how natural and perfect being with this family felt. more…
I have met so many parents who have children (minors and adults) who have been diagnosed with schizophrenia. I have received e-mails from people who are at a loss as to how to help their family member with schizophrenia. So many of these people are stressed out and at their wits end…feeling that they have exhausted all options and that there is no longer room for help. I really empathize with people in this situation. Having schizophrenia, I know how hard it can be for my own parents to understand how to help me at times. I know the pain that it causes them to see me when I am psychotic or a danger to myself. I understand the helplessness they feel. Therefore, I wrote this for people in this situation…people who do not know how to help their diagnosed loved one any more. Through my own personal experiences, listening to the opinions of others, and research I have read, I have gained an idea of how parents, caregivers, and families can help.
First, you have to accept that your son or daughter has schizophrenia. We have to do the same thing…accept that we have it as well. Its a huge step. Its a hard step. By accepting it, I not only mean that you have to fully recognize that your son or daughter has this illness, but you have to do so in a specific manner. You have to stop blaming yourselves, your child, the world…whatever you blame. You didn’t give us this disease by raising us poorly. All parents make mistakes just like you did…not all children grow up to have schizophrenia. If your child did drugs and then got the disease, stop blaming them. Drugs cannot cause it. They can help begin psychosis but the underlying disease was already there. Blaming your child (for any reason, not just due to drugs) will only create a shame that they can feel and only anger can fester from that. They need to know you support them, not that you resent them. You also have to stop feeling shame. Your child can sense that as well. Don’t hide the illness from all your friends and loved ones. Don’t feel ashamed of your child. Not only does that ruin the support system of your child, but it ruins your own support system. If you are too ashamed to tell anyone about your child’s illness…how can you get the support that you need? And don’t fool yourself, you do need support. All of these things, you child is having to do as well. I know that it took me months to accept that I have schizophrenia. It was a hard journey. Now I don’t blame anyone. Now I am not ashamed. I’ll tell anyone who wants to know that I have schizophrenia…just so that I can bust the stigma that people like me are crazy, raving lunatics. Help your child and do the same. more…
One knee is cut and bruised. The other knee hurts and seems to be twisted. My hips and back hurt so much that I can’t sit or lay down comfortably.
I wasn’t in an accident. I didn’t suffer a trauma. I welcome this pain because it was hard earned.
Today some boots that I purchased for Sheriff arrived in the mail. I bought them so that I don’t have to worry about injuring his feet as he walks on hot pavement this summer. They will also be helpful in other situations as well. In order to get Sheriff desensitized to his boots, I put them on him and then we immediately went for a walk. Because I didn’t give him a chance to worry about what was on his feet and I kept the experience really positive…he is now completely unconcerned with the boots. He even took a nap after we returned from the walk with the boots still on!
After the walk, I turned my attention to caring for two ducklings that I am raising. They are a week old and are Mallard/Swedish Black Duck hybrids. I named them Daffy and Darkwing after two cartoon ducks that were likely based upon the Swedish Black Duck. Because a bulldozer that was digging a trench in the yard smashed all the duck pens my dad and I built years ago, they are currently being housed in a large birdcage. However, we were able to find a pen with the least amount of damage so today we worked on repairing it. It was overgrown with poison ivy vines, thorn bushes, and a host of other plants. It was filled with dead leaves and sticks. There was a termite mound sitting on part of the wood frame. I had to use hedge trimmers to cut all the vines from the wire fence then I had to scoop all the leaves and sticks from the pen. The bulldozer detached one side of the fence from the frame and almost removed a few of the wooden posts that are part of the frame. I stabilized the posts then set about to cleaning the bird cage. My dad worked on the fence because he didn’t want me to cut my hands on the wires. While the ducklings were swimming in a makeshift pool, one of them decided to jump out and run off. In an effort to stop it from disappearing into the woods, I took a dive on the concrete to catch it. more…
What do the animals know?
How to move better
Climb a cliff without a tool
Fly across the country without burning fuel
Swim through the waters and never breathe
Move in the grass where no one sees
How to see better
Spot a mouse a thousand feet below
See at night as though dark is aglow
Find colors our eyes exclude
Notice details never viewed
How do they move with primitive grace
How can they live among the human race
How do they speak with no definable words
How can they live peacefully in enormous herds
The animals know something we have yet to learn
Something we may never earn
I was going into a local bookstore today with a friend when we noticed that there were two pigeons standing in the middle of the road. They didn’t fly away when cars drove around them…which was backing up traffic. When we walked past, they didn’t even move away from us. That was when I noticed that they still had some baby feathers and that their flight feathers weren’t long enough to allow them to fly. We watched from several feet away as the mother flew down from the nest (in the bookstore’s sign) and began feeding the fledglings right in the middle of the road. She also didn’t make an attempt to move them from the road.
My friend was impatient so we went inside to grab what he wanted. Five minutes later we were back outside and one of the pigeons had been run over. I was quite upset. Why would someone drive over a helpless baby bird after watching all the other cars drive around them? Seeing what had happened, my friend stopped being impatient. I tried to usher the last pigeon out of the road but it simply stood between my feet as I approached. It had no fear and didn’t see a need to move. I looked around for a safe place to place it but there was no where close enough that the mother would be able to find it. There was only a large parking lot and road. The sign the nest was in was too high to reach, even with a standard ladder. By now, a lady had stopped traffic with her car and was asking if the other pigeon had been run over. I stated it had and she began talking about how horrible that was. She took a towel from her car and moved the dead pigeon out of the road. I grabbed the live pigeon and decided to take it to a local vet who is also a registered wildlife rehabilitator. The lady thanked me for being kind enough to help an animal that most people think is a pest. more…
Yesterday was Sheriff’s Birthday. He turned 4 years old. Looking back, it is amazing to consider all that he has done this past year. It was about this time last year that I really started trying to find a way to train him to be my service dog. Last spring and summer, he began training and quickly proved that he was fully capable of learning how to work for me. He learned several tasks that mitigate my disability and he learned how to behave while in public. His training reached a whole new level. And now, we spend nearly every day together, navigating the complexities of life.
This is a wonderful accomplishment for any dog. However, I must look upon Sheriff with a bit more awe when I consider his life before he became a service dog…or even before he became my dog. more…
I am terribly sorry that I haven’t written a post in a while. February was a very rough month for me. My fiance, Adam, broke up with me and I moved back in with my parents. This has caused a plethora of mental and emotional difficulties. The good news is that Adam and I remain good friends…the break-up was not a bad one. It just hurts like the ending of any three year relationship very close to marriage would. Aside from grieving the relationship, I’m having quite a bit of difficulty with my family. I haven’t lived with them since I was in high school. My parents are very authoritarian. Also, they never took the time to learn about schizophrenia, so they don’t know much at all about how to deal with the things I struggle with. Of course, I try to explain, but they don’t really understand. There is a big communication gap and I don’t know how to fix it. I also don’t know how to prompt them to educate themselves about my mental illness. Regardless, there is much conflict resulting from the lack of understanding. However, they are doing there best to take the steps they can to make this transition easier. They are planning to build me a one bedroom apartment above the garage (its separate from the house) that I could live in. It would be friendly for all my disabilities…psychiatric and physical. This means that the flooring would be good for my back, it would be very secure to help with paranoia, and it would have some amenities that would make it easier for my service dog to help me. I am really hoping that they will be able to build this apartment, it would be a wonderful place that would help me immensely.
Since I have moved in with my parents, I’ve had to lose a few things…pets mainly. I no longer have my 75 gallon aquarium, in which I had invested much time and love into. I’m hoping that once the apartment is built, I can get a new (probably smaller) aquarium. They are very therapeutic for me and I greatly miss it. I’ll never be able to replace my wonderful fish, but I will be able to get new ones one day. I am somewhat looking forwards to an aquarium that doesn’t include an eel that eats all small fish. I enjoy tanks with several schools of fish and my 75 gallon was not able to have that. I also had to leave behind Vex, because that was Adam’s dog. I miss her quite a bit as well. Newton, a Greater Vasa parrot that Adam bought, was also left behind since it was his pet as well. I was very excited about living with a parrot who could talk again, and was large…but I can still visit her so its okay. I am happy that Adam has found a bird that he enjoys…that does bring me joy. Rex so far has not been able to come to my parents. They were not sure if they were going to allow that but decided that as a birthday present, they would give me permission to bring him home. I am so glad! I missed him terribly! As soon as some space is cleared out in my room and I can find a way to transport his cage, he will be coming to stay with me. I am very happy. more…
So we are about 2 weeks into classes now and life is much better. Since I finally got myself out of the house and into my classes, I’ve hardly missed a class…which is really good for me. Sometimes I am rather sporadic about attending. However, so far, I’m doing good.
I’ve added a new link on the site, its to my brand new Youtube channel! I’m posting video blogs (so far daily) on there that deal with stuff that is more mundane than I tend to post here. That isn’t the right wording. It isn’t mundane. It just wouldn’t translate well into a written out blog. For example, I can’t show you Rex’s brand new water and food bowls that lock in place so that he can’t spill them everywhere. That was getting annoying. And I can’t show you my fish swimming in the aquarium. And I can’t demonstrate some of the tricks that my dogs know. I also intend to eventually post some dog training videos…right, I’m gonna compete with all the other Youtubing dog trainers. I’ll make my own little attempt to show off what I know I suppose. So, if you want to see that sort of stuff, check out the channel and hopefully you’ll also subscribe to it? But don’t worry, I won’t be posting here less frequently. It is a lot easier to type than video blog…and less time consuming. more…
