Archive for » May, 2011 «

I Am Quicksand

I can always feel it, my mind slipping away towards psychosis.  I have heard a few instances of others being able to do this.  So far I’ve never beat it once I feel it.  I always end up in the hospital.  I haven’t been there since January.

It is like a door creaks open and everything I work to suppress starts pushing through the ever widening opening.

“Maybe I can go into the kitchen, I have two full bottles of Xanax that I could take…just drift to sleep and never wake up.  But what if they see me?  What if someone reads my thoughts and sends the police after me to try and save my life?  They always find out.  Always.  But I just want to go to sleep and leave all the problems here behind.  It would make the voices happy if I killed myself.  That is what they want…they want me to give up.  There is so much wrong with this world.  I am not equipped to handle it.  Wars, terrorists, sociopaths, natural disasters, family members struggling to be okay, friends that come and go, money problems, love problems, health problems, social problems, my problems.  How do people navigate this world?  I don’t understand.  I was never meant to understand.  It was meant to be a battle.  Soldiers get tired.  I get tired…so tired of existing.”

This isn’t a suicide note…it is just a glimpse at the inner monologue that haunts me when I get to this stage.  more…

The End Of A Lifestyle

From the moment you are born, your life is governed by the schedules of other people.  Then, a few years after being born, your life is governed by school.  You wake up in the morning , go to school, learn, come home, do homework, eat food, and go to bed.  If you choose to go to college, you accept this lifestyle through your early 20′s.   You have to schedule the rest of your life around school.

Then, one day, you graduate and suddenly that lifestyle is over.  You can do whatever you want, whenever you want.  Of course, this does hinge somewhat on whether or not you work.  I don’t have a job so I only see that side of it.  As things stand now, I am unlikely to ever have a job.  To me, that puts me in the ultimate seat of power.  I control what happens in my life to a much higher degree than ever before in my entire life!  But is that such a good thing? more…