I often have talked about how careful I must be to monitor my stress. Stress leads to anxiety which leads to panic which leads to an increase in hallucinations/delusions/paranoia, which finally leads to outright psychosis and/or suicidal ideations and attempts. I’ve been lucky lately. I’ve been able to manage my stress enough so that I can prevent the cycle from getting past general and specific anxiety. General anxiety is simply anxiety that has been generalized to the world around me but has no specific focus. Specific anxiety is anxiety about upcoming events or anxiety as a response to individual triggers.
I’ve had plenty of triggers lately but I’ve been repressing a lot of my fears and worries so that I don’t have to deal with them. This is really a terrible way to go about things because eventually I must confront the sources of stress, but lately I have been unwilling to do so. There are two major areas of stress that I’m most concerned about. more…
I must apologize for my lack of posts lately. I have two excuses for my delay in a new post. First, I am working on a very special post that is requiring a lot of introspection. I don’t know when I will post it…it is something I am really having to reach deep inside to write and understand. Second, I am in the middle of working on a really big project. Unfortunately, I can’t talk about this project until I am given permission. But believe me, I really wish that wasn’t the case.
Those are my two excuses.
I realized, while re-reading the past few posts, that I have been neglecting to talk about Sheriff very much. I thought I would remedy this. more…
Whew, I just sat down after standing in the kitchen for hours making 20 bars of soap. I’m now waiting for the last batch of Cool Eucalyptus to harden so that I can get it out of the mold and package it. It has been a long day.
There hasn’t really been a huge change since I last posted. I’m just hanging on and trying to ride through the problems I’m having. Today I saw my caseworker and I had to report to her that I have been hearing voices the past week. The voices were all related to the tornadoes, no matter where those tornadoes were. The voices told me that tornadoes were coming for me, tornadoes were going to flatten my home. I was absolutely terrified one night when the tornado sirens went off. The voices had been right, a tornado was going to take away my home and family. In reality, a tornado never touched down anywhere near our house nor the city we live in.
I also asked my caseworker if she knew anything about me getting a new therapist at the clinic. She was surprised, I was supposed to have been contacted last week about a new one. Actually, I was supposed to be contacted 2 weeks ago about a new therapist but that obviously didn’t happen. more…
I can always feel it, my mind slipping away towards psychosis. I have heard a few instances of others being able to do this. So far I’ve never beat it once I feel it. I always end up in the hospital. I haven’t been there since January.
It is like a door creaks open and everything I work to suppress starts pushing through the ever widening opening.
“Maybe I can go into the kitchen, I have two full bottles of Xanax that I could take…just drift to sleep and never wake up. But what if they see me? What if someone reads my thoughts and sends the police after me to try and save my life? They always find out. Always. But I just want to go to sleep and leave all the problems here behind. It would make the voices happy if I killed myself. That is what they want…they want me to give up. There is so much wrong with this world. I am not equipped to handle it. Wars, terrorists, sociopaths, natural disasters, family members struggling to be okay, friends that come and go, money problems, love problems, health problems, social problems, my problems. How do people navigate this world? I don’t understand. I was never meant to understand. It was meant to be a battle. Soldiers get tired. I get tired…so tired of existing.”
This isn’t a suicide note…it is just a glimpse at the inner monologue that haunts me when I get to this stage. more…
From the moment you are born, your life is governed by the schedules of other people. Then, a few years after being born, your life is governed by school. You wake up in the morning , go to school, learn, come home, do homework, eat food, and go to bed. If you choose to go to college, you accept this lifestyle through your early 20′s. You have to schedule the rest of your life around school.
Then, one day, you graduate and suddenly that lifestyle is over. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. Of course, this does hinge somewhat on whether or not you work. I don’t have a job so I only see that side of it. As things stand now, I am unlikely to ever have a job. To me, that puts me in the ultimate seat of power. I control what happens in my life to a much higher degree than ever before in my entire life! But is that such a good thing? more…
I have a few things to say about my week thus far, nothing really deep or profound though I suppose.
Sheriff is 5 years old now. Today he went to the vet for his yearly exam and shots. The vet says he looks good as ever and, as usual, was very well behaved. I also took him to Petco and gave him a bath (and myself a shower).
I saw my caseworker at the beginning of the week also. She asked me if anyone had told me about my diagnosis lately. No one had. more…
Tonight I am going to see the movie “Hanna” with some friends. “Hanna” is a movie about a young girl who is an assassin. “Adapt or Die” is sort of the motto of the film.
Sometimes I feel like I am an assassin. With stealth and smarts, I slice the necks of hallucinations. I stab delusions in the heart and watch them die. Usually. Like all good assassin movies, I have a weakness…an opponent I have yet to defeat. more…
I realized tonight that I’ve never written about my experiences with the very beginning of this illness.
There are three stages of schizophrenia: prodromal, active, and remission. Active is obviously what it sounds like, various positive symptoms are being experienced on a fairly regular basis and the person may be fully psychotic. Remission occurs when most or nearly all the positive symptoms disappear and the person is just left with the negative symptoms. Remission and active schizophrenia usually cycle with each other.
Remember what positive and negative symptoms are. Positive symptoms are symptoms that a schizophrenic person has but neurotypical people do not. These include hallucinations and delusions. Negative symptoms are a lack of qualities in a schizophrenic person that most neurotypical people do have. For example, a lack of motivation, a lack of interest in generally everything (including things that used to be enjoyed), a flat or blunted affect (monotone voice, lack of facial expressions), etc.
So that leaves the prodromal stage of schizophrenia. more…
Last Saturday was my birthday. For a couple days, everything seemed to just fall into place and be really great. My meds have been working without causing any problems. My parents and I have been getting along great. For my birthday, my mom made two of my favorite meals: monkey bread for breakfast and manicotti for dinner. Then I received my traditional mint chocolate chip ice cream cake. The day before my birthday, one of my friends and her boyfriend took me to a Monster Truck show at the local Convocation Center. It was super cool. Then on Saturday night me and several friends went to see Rango. My birthday concluded with a trip to Waffle House. Oh yeah, I also got exactly what I wanted for my birthday, an Amazon Kindle.
I wish that life was that great everyday. When everything falls into place and just works. more…
The outpatient clinic I was going to for therapy and medication management kicked me out a couple weeks ago. It is part of what led to my most recent hospitalization. I was ultimately told that my case is too severe and that they felt that they could not provide the services that I need.
What a huge blow. I would assume that mental health clinics would be prepared to deal with a variety of levels of treatment. I would also assume that when a client hits a setback, that clinic would be prepared to help you move forwards again. more…
