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San Antonio: Part 2

Tonight is my last night in San Antonio.

I’ve had an amazing trip.  I’m really not sure if I could think of anything that would have made it better…aside from being able to stay longer.  One thing I really like about my trips to San Antonio (aside from obviously getting to see my family) is that my symptoms take a vacation as well.  I haven’t had any hallucinations and my delusions are nearly non-existent.  I think part of it is due to the change of environment…going from a high stress home to a place I feel comfortable and able to completely be myself.  Also, most days are structured to some degree that is predictable and that helps tremendously. more…

Merry Christmas

I hope everyone that reads this had a great Christmas.  Or if you celebrate one of the other holidays occurring right now, I hope that is going great as well.

My Christmas was pretty good.  I got nearly everything I asked for.  I now officially own my own Xbox 360 instead of having a borrowed one.  I am also now a member of the Barnes and Noble club which really excites me because now I can start getting savings on all the books I buy…which is a lot of books.  I’m not sure, out of those two gifts, which one I am more excited about.

There was a bit of a negative today.  And one that I couldn’t have even created as a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Without asking me, my parents and brother left to go see a movie.  I had no idea they were leaving and in fact, went over to the house to spend more time with them and that was when I discovered that they had all left.  I tried to call each of them but no one was answering.  Finally, I left a message on my mom’s phone stating that I didn’t know where they were and I was really worried since no one was answering their phones.  After the movie, my mom called and told me that they had gone to the movies.  I asked her why no one asked me if I wanted to go and she told me they just figured I wouldn’t want to go.  I could barely prevent the tears from flowing until the conversation ended.  I felt terrible.  For some reason, my parents thought it was no big deal to go to the movies as a family and not include me.  I wondered if my illness made them worried about being in public with me…embarrassed of me.  I felt like an outcast. more…

San Antonio: Part 1

I am currently in San Antonio, Texas visiting my birth mom, brother, sister, my birth mom’s SO (Scott), and his son and daughter.  I arrived on Sunday afternoon after driving a two-part trip that totaled 12 hours.  On that trip I stayed in a hotel on my own for the first time ever.  That trip was also the farthest I have ever driven on my own.  Normally I am pretty anxious about driving on freeways, especially large ones, because I hold onto the delusion that a gust of wind of gravity will decide to suddenly sling my car off the road, that bridges will collapse, or that 18-wheel trucks will crash into me.  However, this trip turned out to be not so bad and my delusions were minimal.

When I arrived on Sunday, I was so happy to see my mom!!  It had been since mid-June that I saw her.  I still can’t believe that I am really a part of her and my siblings’ lives or that I am here with them just being a part of the family.  However, as reality set in that I wouldn’t be returning home for 10 days and that everything I am familiar with was gone as well…my anxiety began to quickly rise.  I guess I started to have some short bouts of dissociation as my mom repeatedly had to get my attention because I had completely blocked out everything going on around me.  I was overloaded with sensory input and emotion so it took me a while to come back into reality.  After a couple hours, I began to relax a bit more.

Before dinner, my mom took Sheriff and I to a nearby dog park (McAllister) that I had researched online.  The online reviews of the park were really positive and it included some agility equipment…so I decided I wanted to go check it out and see if it seemed safe enough for Sheriff.  When we arrived, I was happy to see that only 20-30 dogs were at the park and none of them seemed aggressive or out of control.  We watched as two other dogs entered the park, observing the reactions of the other dogs to the new ones.  Greetings were very polite and owners all were attentive in observing their own dogs.  Sheriff, my mom, and I entered next and again, the dogs that did approach were very polite.  The dogs that night ranged from an English Mastiff to a puppy dachshund.  Sheriff took some time to sniff around before I instructed him to run the agility equipment with me.  He did very well even on the high jump that I think as higher than I’ve ever asked him to jump before (probably closer to what he would jump in an official competition).  After that, we walked around a path that ran the inner perimeter of the park.  Sheriff stopped to sniff everything and a black lab followed him around sniffing as well.  With every dog that approached, I closely watched all the body language and was ready to intervene, but I never had to.  All the dogs were very friendly to other dogs and to people. more…