Every so often, I’m going to start posting a “glimpse” at what life is like in a psychiatric hospital. These are true stories that I have lived through. Some of the dialogue may not be word for word but will capture the events as accurately as I can remember. These glimpses will also be in no particular order…just whatever I feel like posting. Names of other patients and nurses are also changed for privacy.
In late February 2009, my first psychotic episode occurred. I had seen a psychiatrist a couple weeks previously and she had told me that she wasn’t sure of a diagnosis yet but she decided to try me on Risperidone, an atypical anti-psychotic. On the last weekend of February, I saw my therapist. Looking back I suppose that was the day that the psychosis first started to get me. The session was rough and when I left, I had strong suicidal urges. I got home and emailed my therapist, telling her that I wanted to kill myself. She immediately tried to call me but I refused to answer the phone. I was too scared to hear what she might say. She emailed me back promptly and asked me to come back to the counseling center but I refused. I told her I had to go to work.
As I drove to work, an ambulance went speeding by me. I was afraid that ambulance was for me and that it was going to my apartment to try and save me. When I got to the entrance to the shopping center that Petco was in, a police officer also drove his car into the parking lot. I was positive that officer was looking for me and was going to arrest me so that I couldn’t harm myself. I believed that all over town, police officers and paramedics were searching for me, trying to stop me form killing myself. I was psychotic. I was paranoid. I was terrified.
I got through my six hour shift. I tried to avoid the customers in the store because I was afraid that they were all undercover and would take me away if they figured out who I was and what was going on. The next day, a Saturday, I went to work in the same condition. Unfortunately, it was impossible to completely stay away from all customers on such a busy day. I don’t really remember what went through my head that day. Sunday morning, March 1st, I had to be at work at 7 in the morning to open the store. I woke up at six and knew that I couldn’t do it anymore. I wanted to kill myself. I couldn’t bear the idea of another paranoid day at work. I was exhausted from constantly fearing that people were out to get me. I was not thinking clearly at all. I woke my fiance up, Adam, and told him that I wanted to kill myself…I needed help, badly. He called the crisis line at the local psychiatric hospital and they told him to bring me in to get evaluated. I got dressed and away we went to the hospital.
I was evaluated by a very kind lady, she has evaluated me many times sense. I don’t remember how this particular evaluation went. I was too disconnected from reality. I was shutting down. The evaluator called the on-call doctor (who happened to be my psychiatrist). My psychiatrist remembered me and stated that she wanted me to be hospitalized. They allowed me to give my cell phone, wallet, and jewelry to my fiance before they took me back on the ward. more…
First off, I want to apologize to anyone who noticed that my blog went down for a few days last week. Second, I had an idea for a different topic to write about but the experience I am going to describe is much more prominent for me right now than the other topic was. more…
“I wouldn’t want to be in the same room as a schizophrenic because I got to protect me and the other people in the room.”
This is a direct quote from a woman in a college class called Personal Health. There was an assignment in which students were asked to research a psychological illness. This was the reaction to schizophrenia. more…
Three days ago, (Thursday) I was discharged from the psychiatric hospital. I’m still recognizing and learning the various signs that led to me needing additional help. more…
Whew, I just sat down after standing in the kitchen for hours making 20 bars of soap. I’m now waiting for the last batch of Cool Eucalyptus to harden so that I can get it out of the mold and package it. It has been a long day.
There hasn’t really been a huge change since I last posted. I’m just hanging on and trying to ride through the problems I’m having. Today I saw my caseworker and I had to report to her that I have been hearing voices the past week. The voices were all related to the tornadoes, no matter where those tornadoes were. The voices told me that tornadoes were coming for me, tornadoes were going to flatten my home. I was absolutely terrified one night when the tornado sirens went off. The voices had been right, a tornado was going to take away my home and family. In reality, a tornado never touched down anywhere near our house nor the city we live in.
I also asked my caseworker if she knew anything about me getting a new therapist at the clinic. She was surprised, I was supposed to have been contacted last week about a new one. Actually, I was supposed to be contacted 2 weeks ago about a new therapist but that obviously didn’t happen. more…
I can always feel it, my mind slipping away towards psychosis. I have heard a few instances of others being able to do this. So far I’ve never beat it once I feel it. I always end up in the hospital. I haven’t been there since January.
It is like a door creaks open and everything I work to suppress starts pushing through the ever widening opening.
“Maybe I can go into the kitchen, I have two full bottles of Xanax that I could take…just drift to sleep and never wake up. But what if they see me? What if someone reads my thoughts and sends the police after me to try and save my life? They always find out. Always. But I just want to go to sleep and leave all the problems here behind. It would make the voices happy if I killed myself. That is what they want…they want me to give up. There is so much wrong with this world. I am not equipped to handle it. Wars, terrorists, sociopaths, natural disasters, family members struggling to be okay, friends that come and go, money problems, love problems, health problems, social problems, my problems. How do people navigate this world? I don’t understand. I was never meant to understand. It was meant to be a battle. Soldiers get tired. I get tired…so tired of existing.”
This isn’t a suicide note…it is just a glimpse at the inner monologue that haunts me when I get to this stage. more…
I have a few things to say about my week thus far, nothing really deep or profound though I suppose.
Sheriff is 5 years old now. Today he went to the vet for his yearly exam and shots. The vet says he looks good as ever and, as usual, was very well behaved. I also took him to Petco and gave him a bath (and myself a shower).
I saw my caseworker at the beginning of the week also. She asked me if anyone had told me about my diagnosis lately. No one had. more…
Tonight I am going to see the movie “Hanna” with some friends. “Hanna” is a movie about a young girl who is an assassin. “Adapt or Die” is sort of the motto of the film.
Sometimes I feel like I am an assassin. With stealth and smarts, I slice the necks of hallucinations. I stab delusions in the heart and watch them die. Usually. Like all good assassin movies, I have a weakness…an opponent I have yet to defeat. more…
Last Saturday was my birthday. For a couple days, everything seemed to just fall into place and be really great. My meds have been working without causing any problems. My parents and I have been getting along great. For my birthday, my mom made two of my favorite meals: monkey bread for breakfast and manicotti for dinner. Then I received my traditional mint chocolate chip ice cream cake. The day before my birthday, one of my friends and her boyfriend took me to a Monster Truck show at the local Convocation Center. It was super cool. Then on Saturday night me and several friends went to see Rango. My birthday concluded with a trip to Waffle House. Oh yeah, I also got exactly what I wanted for my birthday, an Amazon Kindle.
I wish that life was that great everyday. When everything falls into place and just works. more…
The outpatient clinic I was going to for therapy and medication management kicked me out a couple weeks ago. It is part of what led to my most recent hospitalization. I was ultimately told that my case is too severe and that they felt that they could not provide the services that I need.
What a huge blow. I would assume that mental health clinics would be prepared to deal with a variety of levels of treatment. I would also assume that when a client hits a setback, that clinic would be prepared to help you move forwards again. more…
