First off, I want to apologize to anyone who noticed that my blog went down for a few days last week. Second, I had an idea for a different topic to write about but the experience I am going to describe is much more prominent for me right now than the other topic was.
Saturday night, I was in my pajamas and headed to bed. Just as I was turning all the lights out, I got a phone call from one of my friends. She needed me to take her to the hospital.
This friend has a diagnosis that in many ways is similar to mine but she also deals with some problems that I have no experience with. To protect her privacy, I won’t go into specifics.
Regardless, she was hallucinating and was both suicidal and homicidal. Upon hearing this, I quickly put some clothes back on and rushed to her apartment. As I drove, I scavenged my mind, searching for any signs from the past week that could have alerted me that she was having trouble. Earlier in the week we had hung out and she became manic during that time. I’ve never really dealt with anyone in that state so I was at a loss at what to do. Since she was not a danger to herself or others at that point, my efforts were simply to try and hold her attention…keeping her in the “here and now,” and giving her tasks that she could focus on…such as helping me decorate a friend’s house for Halloween. What I didn’t realize is that she was not simply manic that night. That night was also when her hallucinations started and I didn’t know.
I didn’t know the gravity of the situation. As her friend, I should have been able to support her better. I should have found a way to get her help sooner. I should have known that it was not just mania that she was struggling with. Those are the thoughts that ran through my brain as I drove to her apartment. I felt that I had failed her as a friend.
When I got to her apartment, her sister was also there. I drove everyone to the Emergency Room so that my friend could be evaluated and hopefully admitted to the psychiatric hospital. The ER has some new policies regarding people that are suicidal. They now take all your clothes away from you so that you cannot escape or harm yourself. Having been in that situation just a month ago, I knew how vulnerable it can make a person feel. Sitting in a hospital gown and wondering if you are going to be spending the next few days in a psych ward isn’t really the best feeling. So, for me, seeing my friend in this vulnerable situation…all I wanted to do was give her a hug and make all her problems disappear. It was painful for me to be in the room with her, a guard posted right in the doorway to make sure she stayed safe. It was painful to watch be evaluated and hear in detail what she was going through.
It was painful because so many times, dozens of times, I have put my family and friends in this same position. I never fully understood the emotional weight that is carried when you know that a loved one no longer wants to live. Or, to know that they feel they are a danger to others and want so badly to not feel that way. I remembered a time in which I was in the ER and I was very agitated. I paced back and forth across the hospital room while my mom begged me to calm down and just relax on the bed. I remember a few weeks ago when another friend stayed with me in the ER while I attempted to get admitted to the psych hospital. I became keenly aware of the helplessness my friends and family have felt from knowing that they could not help me. On Sunday, I made sure to thank both my friends and parents for supporting me, even under such difficult circumstances.
I suppose when I, or anyone, am the one sitting in the gown, waiting to be evaluated…you don’t realize the torment you are placing on your loved ones. It is, inherently, a very selfish position to be in. And it should be…you need to focus on getting yourself help and recognizing what has mentally gone wrong. You get to feel your own sense of helplessness as you place your future into the hands of whatever psychiatrist is on call that day. Maybe they will allow you to be admitted and get the help you need. But, maybe they will deny you admittance and send you along to deal with your inner demons alone. However, this helplessness is again reflected onto your loved ones. What happens if you are denied admittance? What happens if you are admitted but the doctors struggle to find a medicine to help you stabilize?
Then there is an even greater worry. My friend did not tell me that she had been hallucinating while we spent time together. She could have attempted to hide her symptoms longer than she did, increasing the chances that she would destabilize further. Instead of seeking help for her suicidal thoughts, she could have simply killed herself. That is the greater worry…that one day, as a friend or family member, your love and support will not be enough to save the person you care about. I am ashamed to admit that in the past 2 years I have attempted suicide twice and never told anyone until much later. There have been times in which I simply did not want help. I was too symptomatic to reach out and admit the need for help…I simply wanted to fade away.
The truth is, people with mental illness need a consistent support system. We need to learn how to recognize the signs that suggest their mental health is declining. We need family members, or friends, who can help us recognize changes in mood or symptoms. We need to learn to be honest with ourselves and with our support system. We need to understand that asking for help is not a step backwards, but a step forwards. We need to understand that there is no shame in admitting that we are struggling. We need help to ignore the terrible stigma surrounding mental health. We also need to know that in the worst of times, our treatment team will be available to assist us.
I gained a lot of respect for my family and friends through this incident. They have always been there for me. It brings me great sorrow to know that there are mentally ill people who have no such support system. Therefore, I dedicate this post to those who have a mentally ill family member or friend. Standing strong for them is not easy. Supporting them, even at their worst of times, can be extremely difficult. Yet so many people repeatedly stand up and openly offer support, even while recognizing the toll that it takes. You are all so very special and though you may not hear it sometimes, you are also very appreciated. Thank you, thank you so very much.